The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love
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- Create Date：2023-01-21 09:53:58
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：bell hooks
- ISBN：0743456084
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Summary
Everyone needs to love and be loved -- even men。 But to know love， men must be able to look at the ways that patriarchal culture keeps them from knowing themselves， from being in touch with their feelings， from loving。 In The Will to Change， bell hooks gets to the heart of the matter and shows men how to express the emotions that are a fundamental part of who they are -- whatever their age， marital status， ethnicity， or sexual orientation。 With trademark candor and fierce intelligence， hooks addresses the most common concerns of men， such as fear of intimacy and loss of their patriarchal place in society， in new and challenging ways。 She believes men can find the way to spiritual unity by getting back in touch with the emotionally open part of themselves -- and lay claim to the rich and rewarding inner lives that have historically been the exclusive province of women。 A brave and astonishing work， The Will to Change is designed to help men reclaim the best part of themselves
Reviews
Rachel Scudder
，
（More like 4。5 stars） This is an important book for anyone to read。 I always gravitate towards bell hooks writing because she’s always coming from a place of love and empathy。 I took off half a point because although I understand this book is a bit older， I do wish she would talk across the gender binary more and less about men and women as if that’s the only option。
Maria Ochoa
，
A great book for women who wish to feel more understanding and empathy for the men in their lives。 Also good for men to introspect on the aspects of their lives that have been affected by the propagation of the patriarchy。 Good in general for anyone wanting to take a closer look at the gendered behaviors we are socialized to accept。 Does get a bit circular in reasoning at time but otherwise great main points。
Ale Itzel
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Un imperdible para procesos de deconstrucción y re pensar la posibilidad de vínculo con el otro。
Gabriel Parks
，
I've said it before and I will say it again: any man who is a fan of Jordan Peterson， or Andrew Tate， or any of these current public male figures needs to read bell hooks。 She has such a more inspirational and incisive analysis and overall message to give about masculinity and healthy self-hood。 Truly， an excellent book。 It made me think about my relationship with my father， often in some painful ways。 I found myself nodding along with hooks' descriptions of what socialization under patriarchy d I've said it before and I will say it again: any man who is a fan of Jordan Peterson， or Andrew Tate， or any of these current public male figures needs to read bell hooks。 She has such a more inspirational and incisive analysis and overall message to give about masculinity and healthy self-hood。 Truly， an excellent book。 It made me think about my relationship with my father， often in some painful ways。 I found myself nodding along with hooks' descriptions of what socialization under patriarchy does to young men， as I could think of examples of my own behavior that were reflected in her writing。 Going back to say， Jordan Peterson for example， I think there is a lot of potential to connect with some of his fans over a shared theme of responsibility in his and hooks' works。 But hooks' notion of responsibility and accountability is more radical， wide-ranging， inspirational， and holistic than how I interpret Peterson's。 I love the message that we should seek wholeness--something I find missing in many other writers concerned with men。 As opposed to how people like Jordan Peterson view it， masculinity does not necessarily involve "learning to be a monster， then choosing not to act on it。" Men are not naturally monsters。 Is this the model we want？ Indeed， much of this rhetoric reifies the naturalization of patriarchy--the false notion that men are inevitably violent。 The many implications of this harmful thinking are masterfully elaborated in hooks' The Will To Change。 Humans， men included， have agency， but our narratives of masculinity and of gender， along with the subtleties of daily life require that we constantly recenter the importance of choice。 I always appreciate hook's ability to touch on spirituality as well。 I think the contemporary political left needs more spirituality incorporated into its movements and messaging。 All in all， this is a wonderful， raw， and poignant book that should encourage readers that we can care well for men by encouraging them and ourselves that the will to change， to love， takes work but is completely worth that work。 。。。more
Sof
，
4。75
Rabia Yalcin
，
This book radically changed my perception of men and gave me the tools and insight to learn how to love them in ways that before seemed so impossible to me。 It held me accountable for the ways I carried and expressed patriarchy within myself， and showed me that it’s possible to unlearn patriarchy that the contemporary feminist movement has benefited off of in order to relearn true feminism， the feminism that cares for all beings regardless of their gender， sexuality， etc。 It made me think a lot This book radically changed my perception of men and gave me the tools and insight to learn how to love them in ways that before seemed so impossible to me。 It held me accountable for the ways I carried and expressed patriarchy within myself， and showed me that it’s possible to unlearn patriarchy that the contemporary feminist movement has benefited off of in order to relearn true feminism， the feminism that cares for all beings regardless of their gender， sexuality， etc。 It made me think a lot about how I have showed up in my past relationships with men， and how I can be in right relation with them as I move forward。 How my expectations of men were rooted in patriarchal thinking， and how I was competing for the role of dominator/expecting them to step up as dominators within all my relationships with them。 It made me think about my Baba and how much patriarchy has hurt him in this lifetime。 This was a beautiful book to read while dating， and a beautiful book to read while learning to be in relation with my current partner。 I will hold it true to my heart and refer back to it frequently。 I’m so grateful for bell hooks and all of her beautiful wisdom。 I highly reccomend it to everyone！ 。。。more
Karla Correa
，
While I enjoyed the chapters on work and mass media， this book lacks a meaningful analysis of the system that needs patriarchy to survive: capitalism。 While I think this book can be useful for self-improvement and better interpersonal relationships， it fails to offer solutions on how we can change the system as a whole。
Ran
，
It provides a crucial and long-needed perspective to me。 How to bring man along in the feminism movement？ The writing can be more precise and concise。
Jennifer Palmblad
，
“To create loving men we must love males。 Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding makes for living up to sexist defined notions of male identity。 Caring about men， for what they do to us， is not the same for loving males for simply being。 When we love maleness， we extend our love whether men are performing or not。 Performance is different from simply being。 In patriarchal culture men are not allowed simply being who they are， and to glory in their unique identity。 Their value is “To create loving men we must love males。 Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding makes for living up to sexist defined notions of male identity。 Caring about men， for what they do to us， is not the same for loving males for simply being。 When we love maleness， we extend our love whether men are performing or not。 Performance is different from simply being。 In patriarchal culture men are not allowed simply being who they are， and to glory in their unique identity。 Their value is always determined by what they do。 In an anti-patriarchal makes do not have to prove their value and worth。 They know from birth that simply being gives them value， the right to be cherished and loved。”bell hooks writes with force and direction， making her thoughts on patriarchal influence over all our lives clear。 The analysis is good， however maybe a bit old news。 A lot is common sense， but I guess that might be just what we’re missing。 The one negative I have about this book is how centred it is around monogamous relationships between cis gendered straight people。 I was expecting a broader perspective。All in all it’s a great read。 It tugs at one’s heart strings when pointing out all the ways in which men are set up to fail emotionally。 They have， like hooks write， no support systems within patriarchal culture。 Reading this book probably softened me a bit， which is incredibly valuable。I hope to carry it with me for a very long time。 。。。more
Kat
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i dont really think about men all that much， so this is pretty fascinating stuff。。 i think？ idk 💀
Anderson
，
A visionary cultural critique。 Both men and women would be better for having read this book。 Incisively and empathetically The Will to Change addresses the interrelational challenges facing a society on the path to healing。 hooks deconstructs the ways we treat boys and men that lead many to devalue emotional intimacy and interpersonal relationships。 These societal pressures teach men to resist growth， change， and love in order to fulfill the cultural promise and acceptance of attaining “manhood。 A visionary cultural critique。 Both men and women would be better for having read this book。 Incisively and empathetically The Will to Change addresses the interrelational challenges facing a society on the path to healing。 hooks deconstructs the ways we treat boys and men that lead many to devalue emotional intimacy and interpersonal relationships。 These societal pressures teach men to resist growth， change， and love in order to fulfill the cultural promise and acceptance of attaining “manhood。” Never have I read not only such thorough and complete insight into what it feels like to be raised as a man， but also such a kind and honest approach for understanding and healing。 If you are a man or woman that wants to help carve a better more responsible path for future humans， I truly believe this is one of the books to help you on your journey。 。。。more
Essi Kupiainen
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Muutama päällimmäinen ajatus:Feministisessä keskustelussa kaivataan puhetta miehistä， tärkeää asiaa ja paljon（！） keskeisiä （tosin ei uusia） pointtejaKiinnostavaa väkivallan， median， viihteen ja pornon patriarkaalisuuden pohdintaa， mutta toisaan olisin kaivannut enemmän uusien ajatusten herättelyä。Välillä teos tuntui vielä vanhemmalta kuin se on， naisten vastuullistaminen miesten kasvattamisesta ja yksinhuoltajaäitien dumaaminen oli erityisesti tosi outoa。 Myös sukupuolen kaksinaisuudesta ja jyrk Muutama päällimmäinen ajatus:Feministisessä keskustelussa kaivataan puhetta miehistä， tärkeää asiaa ja paljon（！） keskeisiä （tosin ei uusia） pointtejaKiinnostavaa väkivallan， median， viihteen ja pornon patriarkaalisuuden pohdintaa， mutta toisaan olisin kaivannut enemmän uusien ajatusten herättelyä。Välillä teos tuntui vielä vanhemmalta kuin se on， naisten vastuullistaminen miesten kasvattamisesta ja yksinhuoltajaäitien dumaaminen oli erityisesti tosi outoa。 Myös sukupuolen kaksinaisuudesta ja jyrkästä nainen-mies erottelusta johtuen sukupuolen moninaisuuden analysointi jäi sivuun; parempi intersektionaalisuuden käsittely olisi myös avannut teemoja vähän paremmin。Toisaalta miten tällasia teoksia kuuluis edes arvostella？ Sen mukaan， miten merkittävältä teos tuntuu oman aikansa kuvana， vai sen mukaan， miten paljon itse olin samaa mieltä kirjoittajan kanssa？ 。。。more
Mark
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The most transformative book I’ve ever read。 I could feel Bell Hook’s intention and love in every word。 No book has ever made me look inward as deeply as this one。 I can’t recommend it enough to everyone in my life， regardless of their gender identity。 This book remains ahead of its time—offering critical insight into the patriarchy and its most overlooked victims—men， its perpetrators。 It will forever serve as a reminder of hope for me as I examine myself and heal， embarking on my path to chang The most transformative book I’ve ever read。 I could feel Bell Hook’s intention and love in every word。 No book has ever made me look inward as deeply as this one。 I can’t recommend it enough to everyone in my life， regardless of their gender identity。 This book remains ahead of its time—offering critical insight into the patriarchy and its most overlooked victims—men， its perpetrators。 It will forever serve as a reminder of hope for me as I examine myself and heal， embarking on my path to change。 But my biggest， and most surprising takeaway from it was the need to create systems of support for the men in our lives who need to change。 Wonderful book that I can’t rave about enough。 。。。more
Jennie
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*Disclaimer: Listened to the audiobook*Explores how patriarchal society isolates men and forces them into playing a role that in itself is harmful and unfulfilling。 At times uncomfortable because it is easy to just vilify the other sex， this book also explores how women uphold patriarchal views and how this too can harm men。 Super thoughtful book although at times repetitive。
Hannah
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completely changed my view about feminist masculinity！！！
Christian Pellecer
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I enjoyed this read somewhat。 Feel as though it is a bit dated feminist theory， not having ， any books on feminism and lots more on psychology I felt that this book did not get very specific。 Meaning that it was a bit too general for my liking， bringing attention to certain topics that are important to address but not hitting the nail on the head。 At least in a way that I would have liked to see。 I’d say it’s a good introduction into ideas on men in a patriarchal society though。 Absolutely got m I enjoyed this read somewhat。 Feel as though it is a bit dated feminist theory， not having ， any books on feminism and lots more on psychology I felt that this book did not get very specific。 Meaning that it was a bit too general for my liking， bringing attention to certain topics that are important to address but not hitting the nail on the head。 At least in a way that I would have liked to see。 I’d say it’s a good introduction into ideas on men in a patriarchal society though。 Absolutely got me thinking 。。。more
graham
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a tad out of date but def still worth the read
Spencer Sanders
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I would recommend this book to anybody。 The people I want most to read it are friends and family who I care about。 It was extremely enlightening， not just about men， but about human nature。 Turns out you can’t write a book about one half of the population and not tap into universal themes that apply to all of us。 But yes， I did deeply appreciate the insights bell hooks gives on the patriarchal way most men are raised。 I’ve been interested in this subject for a while now， and I feel that this boo I would recommend this book to anybody。 The people I want most to read it are friends and family who I care about。 It was extremely enlightening， not just about men， but about human nature。 Turns out you can’t write a book about one half of the population and not tap into universal themes that apply to all of us。 But yes， I did deeply appreciate the insights bell hooks gives on the patriarchal way most men are raised。 I’ve been interested in this subject for a while now， and I feel that this book has properly schooled me in it’s vocabulary and grammar。 As my sister pointed out， one criticism of the book is bell hooks’ tendency to generalize often。 It definitely comes with the territory of the book， because while patriarchy is a dominator of our culture， it’s not the all-pervading， ever-followed system for every person and family in the states， let alone in the world。 So every now and again bell hooks would say “people don’t _____” or “men don’t want _____” and you learn to interject the terms “most” or “lots of” into those phrases， because they’re not so absolute。But overall， I would recommend this book to everybody。 Even if it’s not the direct solution to your life’s problems （and it does have solutions to MANY problems） it will be an amazing starting point to discovering those solutions。 。。。more
Haley A
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If you want to regulate your nervous system， read this book。 If you want to feel validated， read this book。 If you want to find hope， read this book。Truly a life changing book。
Autumn Riehemann
，
this story taught me a perspective that i havent been able to put into words。 ive said "i hate men" in the past， ive been that person。 but ive slowly learn the past year that this wasn't good feminism。 this book solidified that i should change my idea。 bell hooks says "i am learning the key to our survival is love" （104） and this is how i feel too。 this book reminded me that love is everything & it's a fact that im going to keep living by。 5/5 book， i think this could be the book that leads me t this story taught me a perspective that i havent been able to put into words。 ive said "i hate men" in the past， ive been that person。 but ive slowly learn the past year that this wasn't good feminism。 this book solidified that i should change my idea。 bell hooks says "i am learning the key to our survival is love" （104） and this is how i feel too。 this book reminded me that love is everything & it's a fact that im going to keep living by。 5/5 book， i think this could be the book that leads me to more critical theory。 。。。more
Nick
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-Compelling arguments about how patriarchy is destructive to everyone’s emotional well-being， particularly striking passages about the “masks” men are taught to wear and how these prevent men from feeling genuine love or even believing that it’s possible for them -hooks describes a lot of interesting interactions between capitalism and masculinity/patriarchy， arguing that white supremacist imperialist capitalism has a vested interest in socializing boys with the norm of violence through popular -Compelling arguments about how patriarchy is destructive to everyone’s emotional well-being， particularly striking passages about the “masks” men are taught to wear and how these prevent men from feeling genuine love or even believing that it’s possible for them -hooks describes a lot of interesting interactions between capitalism and masculinity/patriarchy， arguing that white supremacist imperialist capitalism has a vested interest in socializing boys with the norm of violence through popular media， providing no redemptive stories of men who begin emotionally dead-This book is incredibly clear that gender categories are socially constructed and reinforced， but i felt also a bit limited by gender essentialism and a strictly binary conception of gender 。。。more
Kristina Bobrova
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What a book to start 2023。 I guess I won’t give up on men in my life just yet… #feministjokes
Savannah Payne
，
Are you a man？ Do you know a man？ Love a man？ Heard of a man？ read this book！ First bell hooks book and I thought it was great。 Deconstructed masculinity and how it exists in the patriarchy （which was painfully familiar） but bell hooks inspired a lot of hope too when it comes to the future of men and their relationshipswith each other， women， their feelings/themselves， etc。 Also a great call to action to ditch the patriarchy ASAP。
Apurva Vurity
，
A book that questions contemporary feminist's anti-male stance with love， empathy and the ability to create alternative structures to patriarchy。 Wonderful read and reminder to create a feminist masculinity for men who have suffered in different ways due to patriarchy。 A book that questions contemporary feminist's anti-male stance with love， empathy and the ability to create alternative structures to patriarchy。 Wonderful read and reminder to create a feminist masculinity for men who have suffered in different ways due to patriarchy。 。。。more
Stacy Ma
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Another 5 star read from bell hooks。 Hate the sin; love the sinner。 Misandry is not the answer。 All TERFs should read bell hooks and realize that men and trans people aren't our enemies; this binary opposition is itself a product of patriarchy。 Another 5 star read from bell hooks。 Hate the sin; love the sinner。 Misandry is not the answer。 All TERFs should read bell hooks and realize that men and trans people aren't our enemies; this binary opposition is itself a product of patriarchy。 。。。more
Uğur
，
Bell Hooks， who closed her eyes to life in 2021， approached the patriarchy from a slightly different angle and valued it in the triangle of loving， men and the system。The main determinant of human relationships has always been love。 A person who has a realistic feeling of love becomes infinitely interested and understanding towards the person he loves。 Through this simple rule， our author has put forward a thesis by going to the roots of violence against women， alienation of men， manipulation pr Bell Hooks， who closed her eyes to life in 2021， approached the patriarchy from a slightly different angle and valued it in the triangle of loving， men and the system。The main determinant of human relationships has always been love。 A person who has a realistic feeling of love becomes infinitely interested and understanding towards the person he loves。 Through this simple rule， our author has put forward a thesis by going to the roots of violence against women， alienation of men， manipulation processes; "patriarchy harms men more than women。''The more I read the details of his thesis， the more impossible it becomes not to give Hooks credit。 Because the system focuses on completely capturing what it will use first。 The current patriarchy has also taken the male as the target group and has spent an intense amount of time to manipulate him。 Sometimes he has taken the opportunity to emotionally sabotage this with working conditions， sometimes with aimless technological steps， sometimes with the selfishness and opportunism he offers， weakening his psychodynamic processes。 At the end of the process， a man who is alienated from the environment and himself （his emotions） sets his sights on a woman as the first target and shows his emotionless， empathy-deprived self to the woman next to him。 It is at this point that Hooks comes into play， looking for ways to re-introduce a man to love with change。 While explaining the great manipulative effect of the patriarchy on men， she also touched on how women who submit to the patriarchy fuel this false process of men， underlining that they should take a behavioral attitude at the point of restoring empathy。 My only criticism from this point of view also starts here。 Because the interest acquired by the loving person is again attributed to the woman。 In other words， in order for a man to regain himself， a woman again has to show extra effort and attention！ At this point， I think that he should address the narcissistic personality disorder that usually occurs in men， and that it is more important for a man to desire "change" before a woman's empathetic approach。 The will to continue this without seeing any support will carry the man to a realistic point。 Apart from this， the book is covered with a love-oriented perspective in general and is full of important analyses on the points of changing and avoiding the environment of lovelessness。I would definitely say keep this special book written by Hooks -mostly for men- on your bedside table。 Have a pleasant reading。 。。。more
Victoria Sanders
，
4。5 ⭐️I read this book because my youngest brother asked me to read it with him。 It has been an eye opening journey to renew my love and compassion for men， as well as understand a bit more the role I myself have played in holding up patriarchal values。 It gave me the words to express my feelings for my father and other men in my life who I’ve held anger towards。 And in doing so I feel I’ve gained better understanding of myself and them。 Reading along with my brother and discussing his journey a 4。5 ⭐️I read this book because my youngest brother asked me to read it with him。 It has been an eye opening journey to renew my love and compassion for men， as well as understand a bit more the role I myself have played in holding up patriarchal values。 It gave me the words to express my feelings for my father and other men in my life who I’ve held anger towards。 And in doing so I feel I’ve gained better understanding of myself and them。 Reading along with my brother and discussing his journey and views on all bell hooks explanations has been exceptionally soul healing。 I didn’t give it a full 5 stars because although I felt a lot of her generalizations to be true and accurate， I found myself wondering who “they” were when she spoke of society as a whole and disagreed with her a few times on her assessment of societies opinions。 。。。more
Fernando
，
Instantly relatable and sobering。 An in-depth analysis of men’s suffering under patriarchy and the self-inflicted as well as the societally-inflicted wounds on men’s relationships
Ashley
，
I really liked this book， there needs to be more books on this topic from this point of view。 There needs to be a more current book written。 In my opinion Hooks bounce around a little too much for my liking。 She kinda goes in circles。 She talks about the patriarchy in reference to society， then in relationship and then sex， then in the work force， and childhood and then mades different points following the circle， I found it a bit repetitive。 I didn't like her reference of the movie America Beau I really liked this book， there needs to be more books on this topic from this point of view。 There needs to be a more current book written。 In my opinion Hooks bounce around a little too much for my liking。 She kinda goes in circles。 She talks about the patriarchy in reference to society， then in relationship and then sex， then in the work force， and childhood and then mades different points following the circle， I found it a bit repetitive。 I didn't like her reference of the movie America Beauty， I get her point， of a sad， lost， depressed man with nothing to live for， that he is a product and victim of the toxic masculinity patriarchy but she never mentions the sick perverted fantasies he has the whole movie of an underage teen cheerleader， that is his daughter's friend。 The point was one sided when she goes a generally a good job explaining both side on every other point。I went down a rabbit hole of masculinity and patriarchy books and there are way more than I thought。https://www。charisbooksandmore。com/mi。。。https://bookriot。com/reimagining-masc。。。https://www。buzzfeednews。com/article/。。。 。。。more
Saleem
，